A Prayer: Stay

Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on...

I had a perfect picture of myself at the age 26. In my heart, I knew what I should have had and where I should have been. 

But there are things that are out of my hands. It's like losing complete control of a car's steering wheel. The only decision I was left with was to avoid full impact collision and total destruction. Instead of being in complete control, I was struggling to keep myself as close as possible to the road. It wasn't what I imagined. It wasn't what I planned. 

And despite all the idiocies that rooted from failed relationships, one thing I never lost was the hope of one day having a fulfilling true love. Not familial love. I've had that all my life that it seems a constant I didn't have to worry about. It's not the perfect mentality but it's my mentality. I won't make up any excuse to explain myself. It's just THAT. 

There are beautiful memories that turn bitter in a matter of time. I plant grudges. I don't necessarily nurture them, but yes, I do plant them. Some die eventually in a forgiving environment but some survive. Some survive and become nasty voices in  my head.

One of the most dangerous things you can do to me when I'm angry or sad is to leave me alone with myself. I have to admit, my mind is not the best place to leave me alone with. Years of battling forgiveness disappear, pain and anger flare up easily that it would feel like a fresh wound. 

But I've learned. I've grown. I've matured. At least that's how I think of myself. I'm more willing to turn around and walk away without putting up a fight. Keeping still was never my best suit, neither was patience. I always prided myself of things I accomplished. I always took care of things that were given to me and I make it a point to try to be grateful all the time. 

One day when I read back, this post would remind me of outdoor inspirations, letters of love, pieces of mementos and very painful memories. Today I make a decision: I don't have to live this way. 

Friends and family always tell me I deserve better. I never believed this. Not as it is. What I knew was that I don't deserve anything I didn't work hard for. For this matter, I worked so hard for this. This was my wake up call that relationships really do need a lot of work. It's time to split the blame for things we can not change. 

Pictures, letters and memories.. a roller coaster ride all down to one box. 

Let's find what it means to be the one who changed her mind and changed her world. 

GTKY

Ever since quitting the office job and focusing on my online work, I've been able to spend a lot of time with my little boy. I'm not completely sure it's a good thing because he gets really nervous when he doesn't see me or hear me. However, he has become very sweet and he gained weight because I make it a point to always feed him on time. 

When I was working in the office, if he wasn't in the mood to eat, he would just run off from whoever is watching him. Now, however, he really has to eat because I chase him around with his food. 

I somehow miss being outside but now that I think about it, I actually spent more going to work at the office. Also, I get to do random things whenever I want to. For example, this day was a random pizza day for both of us. We took a bath, got dressed and headed for the pizza place near the Post Office. It rained afterwards but it was okay. He was pretty excited to get out of the house. Sometimes, it becomes my problem of how to get him home.

Mainly because I had tons of mangoes and cucumbers. I had to get creative. I don't actually know what to call these. I cooked egg and added it in the roll up. 

The bowl of lettuce is my version of kanu salad. Sure it's not the real thing but I needed to use all the lettuce I stored. 

Eat!

Hoard for a Good Start

I'd like to begin June with a hopeful goal of living healthy. So, to hoard for the first week of June, I feel so happy looking at these beauties. 

That's 2 kilos bananas, 2 kls. mangoes, 2 kls. cantaloupes, 1 kl. lettuce, 1 kl. grapes, 1 kl. pears, 2 kls. apples and 2 kls. cucumbers. 

Whew! I know it seems a lot but my little dragon loves fruits. He can finish 5 bananas in one seating or two mangoes. He likes to munch on pears for snack, sometimes, apples. Also, he loves grapes. So, you can expect all of these to be gone in a week or so. 

I'm not so sure yet how I intend to finish all the lettuce and cucumbers in time before it spoils but I got pretty excited and I admit, it's a bit too much. I gotta be creative. If anyone's got suggestions, feel free. There were tomatoes too, it's just not in the photo. 

Anyway, let's see how June would be like for me. It's about time to detox. I need some good tasting tea, anyone got ideas? I'm looking for something that doesn't taste like soil or literally dried leaves. I know that's what tea is made of but just in case there are some good tasting tea out there, now's the time to suggest. I don't want to waste my detox program by adding tons of sugar just to mask the bitter taste of dried leaves. 

June, please be good to me. :)

My First Sunrise in 2015

So, when was the last time you saw the sun rise?

It's been quite some time since I last saw something beautiful. I went through the pains of waking up at 3:30 AM to run up the mountain to see this. It's been a while. This is my first sunrise this year. 

It took a lot from me to get my ass up and start running but that day was supposed to be special. It was a first year anniversary. It was a celebration of being together. Sadly, however, I celebrated alone. 

The sky was beautiful. But it was a sad kind of beautiful. I used to long for someone to watch the sun rise and set with me. But, I guess it's hard to find the beauty in something you're not really interested in. 

That day was like a slap in the face. I thought it was a metaphor of my actual situation: a one-sided relationship. It was amusing for a while, then it turned ugly after waiting for two hours.

Happy Anniversary to me! It's nice to know how my other half opted to spend a first year anniversary. It gave me a fast-forward look on how all our future anniversaries will be spent: separated.

But, because I'm a hopeless romantic, I actually prepared two cups of coffee. I handed it to a photographer who was late for the sunrise. 7/11 coffee wasn't the best coffee but that was all there was. The coffee wouldn't have mattered if there was good company. 

That day though, I fixated on how cheap and disgusting 7/11 coffee was. I mean, what else could I have done? 

So, how about you, when did you last see the sun rise?

Emotional Breakdown: Meh

When someone important doesn't cancel his meeting to cater to your tantrum and emotional break down. I can just imagine how Dee Dee must have felt.