A Prayer: Stay

Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on...

I had a perfect picture of myself at the age 26. In my heart, I knew what I should have had and where I should have been. 

But there are things that are out of my hands. It's like losing complete control of a car's steering wheel. The only decision I was left with was to avoid full impact collision and total destruction. Instead of being in complete control, I was struggling to keep myself as close as possible to the road. It wasn't what I imagined. It wasn't what I planned. 

And despite all the idiocies that rooted from failed relationships, one thing I never lost was the hope of one day having a fulfilling true love. Not familial love. I've had that all my life that it seems a constant I didn't have to worry about. It's not the perfect mentality but it's my mentality. I won't make up any excuse to explain myself. It's just THAT. 

There are beautiful memories that turn bitter in a matter of time. I plant grudges. I don't necessarily nurture them, but yes, I do plant them. Some die eventually in a forgiving environment but some survive. Some survive and become nasty voices in  my head.

One of the most dangerous things you can do to me when I'm angry or sad is to leave me alone with myself. I have to admit, my mind is not the best place to leave me alone with. Years of battling forgiveness disappear, pain and anger flare up easily that it would feel like a fresh wound. 

But I've learned. I've grown. I've matured. At least that's how I think of myself. I'm more willing to turn around and walk away without putting up a fight. Keeping still was never my best suit, neither was patience. I always prided myself of things I accomplished. I always took care of things that were given to me and I make it a point to try to be grateful all the time. 

One day when I read back, this post would remind me of outdoor inspirations, letters of love, pieces of mementos and very painful memories. Today I make a decision: I don't have to live this way. 

Friends and family always tell me I deserve better. I never believed this. Not as it is. What I knew was that I don't deserve anything I didn't work hard for. For this matter, I worked so hard for this. This was my wake up call that relationships really do need a lot of work. It's time to split the blame for things we can not change. 

Pictures, letters and memories.. a roller coaster ride all down to one box. 

Let's find what it means to be the one who changed her mind and changed her world.