Quarter Life Crisis

Call it whatever you want, but at 24 I didn't picture my life to be this way. Graduate, a degree holder, but working a job I have no idea about. Single mom, living with my parents in a house that isn't even ours, I'm not sure where my depression is coming from.

I have a roof over my head, a job that pays for my son's diapers and milk. I'm not alone, I have friends and a family. Call me spoiled, picky, privileged or whatever, I don't even know the word that would describe how ungrateful I may look to others who are having it worst than I am. But knowing some people are in worst situations doesn't make my failures seem lighter in my eyes. It is true, we are our worst critics and while some may tell me I'm being too hard on myself, I just really didn't envision myself in this situation.

Living here in the Philippines doesn't make it easy to pull yourself together and make your life a success story. I know, it's just an excuse. It's a stupid excuse, really. Even I know that. For the past 4 years, I argued that going abroad, working overseas isn't the only solution or way to get rich or earn money. I believed that wherever a person is, she can be successful. I pushed this and stood by it despite family members and friends telling me that as a nurse, the money is overseas.

I still refuse to believe it but lately, maybe they were right. Should I have left 4 years ago, maybe I'd have savings by now. Maybe I'm supporting my parents and sending my sister to school. Maybe I don't have a son. Maybe.

But no, I'm here. Depressed. Feeling in debt to my parents, grandparents and aunt for sending me to college to take a course I don't have the heart for. Feeling guilty for having a son, making a mistake and thinking I can raise him on my own.

I love my little boy. I really do. I don't regret having him. I'm hoping it's normal to go through this kind of depression.

But really, I can't seem to pinpoint the reason for self-pitying. I'm just there, in that line of "feeling sorry I'm such a failure."

What do I do? Listen to depressing songs and hope I can cry this out so I can just shake it off and move on.

Quarter life crisis? I'm not even 25 yet. Jeez.