Playing Victim

I can't count how many times I've fallen into a pit I allowed myself to make. Sometimes when I'm out with friends or some other group of people, there's a guy who doesn't have a partner, a guy who's out of place and then there's me.

As part of a joke, the group would push me and another guy to get into the "couple" vibe. Playing through calling each other names like baby, love, honey, etc. sitting close to each other, pretending to be a couple. Basically, getting stuck with each other while other friends with partners enjoy their evenings. See while this is an innocent joke to most of the people I hang out with, it's a very deep pit I keep on stumbling into.

How many times? How many occasions has it left me feeling empty? Why? Why am I such an emotional whore? Ugh.

I remember three faces. I remember it so clearly because I fell. I felt more connection which is probably my mistake. I over-romanticize. Haha! It's pathetic, I know but I still do. So screw it.

I remember calling a guy's home phone twice a day because we both didn't have cellphones that time. (Not because we were 12 years old but because his phone got stolen and mine got busted) I remember his mom answering and wondering who the hell is calling her son. I remember that. But mostly, I remember feeling so angry of not hearing from him again. See? I don't get it when guys make it as a joke. I really don't. I don't know when I'm being played or when everything's just for show. No, I don't get it. After weeks of texting, talking on the phone, sitting together when we're out with friends, I bring a birthday cake for this guy and what do I get? I got ignored the whole night of the party. Happy Birthday to you too asshole! Ugh. What did I do? I wrote a column in our school paper and put his name in it. When the prints came out, I distributed it in his school. We don't talk anymore, I don't need to wonder why after I finished the column with "lamunin ka sana ng lupa." (may the soil swallow you)

A third time, now this. This takes the cake. We pretend for a night, with him trying to protect me from a perverted ex-boyfriend. Goes great, we talk the next day. We're both sober and we talk about us. Yeah, maybe this is okay. Maybe let's do this relationship thing. The next day, he says maybe it's not so cool after all. Maybe let's think this through. I say, okay.

Two weeks later I receive a call from him explaining he fucked up. He screwed around with my cousin. Okay. Okay?! What the hell, man?! Seriously, what the hell. This one was a big blow to me. Why? Because I liked him. I liked him a lot. He was so funny, he was a good person. But hell if I understand what happened.

Now, there's another joke playing in my head. My cousin and her boyfriend wanted to push their friend into having more guts. They'd say, put your hands around her. Let's take a photo of the both of you. Things like that. And it's innocent but thing is, I'M NOT! I don't get it that way. I really don't. And now, I'm going crazy because it's distracting me.