Playing Victim

I can't count how many times I've fallen into a pit I allowed myself to make. Sometimes when I'm out with friends or some other group of people, there's a guy who doesn't have a partner, a guy who's out of place and then there's me.

As part of a joke, the group would push me and another guy to get into the "couple" vibe. Playing through calling each other names like baby, love, honey, etc. sitting close to each other, pretending to be a couple. Basically, getting stuck with each other while other friends with partners enjoy their evenings. See while this is an innocent joke to most of the people I hang out with, it's a very deep pit I keep on stumbling into.

How many times? How many occasions has it left me feeling empty? Why? Why am I such an emotional whore? Ugh.

I remember three faces. I remember it so clearly because I fell. I felt more connection which is probably my mistake. I over-romanticize. Haha! It's pathetic, I know but I still do. So screw it.

I remember calling a guy's home phone twice a day because we both didn't have cellphones that time. (Not because we were 12 years old but because his phone got stolen and mine got busted) I remember his mom answering and wondering who the hell is calling her son. I remember that. But mostly, I remember feeling so angry of not hearing from him again. See? I don't get it when guys make it as a joke. I really don't. I don't know when I'm being played or when everything's just for show. No, I don't get it. After weeks of texting, talking on the phone, sitting together when we're out with friends, I bring a birthday cake for this guy and what do I get? I got ignored the whole night of the party. Happy Birthday to you too asshole! Ugh. What did I do? I wrote a column in our school paper and put his name in it. When the prints came out, I distributed it in his school. We don't talk anymore, I don't need to wonder why after I finished the column with "lamunin ka sana ng lupa." (may the soil swallow you)

A third time, now this. This takes the cake. We pretend for a night, with him trying to protect me from a perverted ex-boyfriend. Goes great, we talk the next day. We're both sober and we talk about us. Yeah, maybe this is okay. Maybe let's do this relationship thing. The next day, he says maybe it's not so cool after all. Maybe let's think this through. I say, okay.

Two weeks later I receive a call from him explaining he fucked up. He screwed around with my cousin. Okay. Okay?! What the hell, man?! Seriously, what the hell. This one was a big blow to me. Why? Because I liked him. I liked him a lot. He was so funny, he was a good person. But hell if I understand what happened.

Now, there's another joke playing in my head. My cousin and her boyfriend wanted to push their friend into having more guts. They'd say, put your hands around her. Let's take a photo of the both of you. Things like that. And it's innocent but thing is, I'M NOT! I don't get it that way. I really don't. And now, I'm going crazy because it's distracting me.

In Trouble

I missed this. I miss feeling so excited, waiting for the next reply. I miss anticipating if he would message me first and I miss feeling disappointed when nothing came. I miss this so much it hurts so bad because he's not mine. And this, all this is temporary.

Lonesome Running

My partner in crime had work today. Last night, I thought about her plans. She's leaving for a couple of months and I'll be left here. I'm worried I might stop running because I don't have a partner so I challenged myself to run alone today.

I posted a route on Facebook just in case someone wants to run the next day. Or maybe it's a subtle way of me hinting to my biker friends where I'll be. Haha! Anyway, I ended up finishing the route alone. Took me 2 hours which is really long considering it's 12k and just a simple road run. Anyway, I can do it. I can run alone. I'll be okay.

Haha! This is me telling myself I'll be okay.

Note to self: NEED A NEW MUSIC PLAYER (it's a hassle to keep fixing the phone in the waist trimmer)

Catch Me If You Can

Feeling a lot better today. We were able to squeeze in a short run today despite the muscle aches from the 22k trail run. I know recuperating is important after a tough workout but it felt worse to just rest the whole week. 

We joined another 22k run this Sunday and yes, I know. It's not ideal. Any fitness freak would scold us because we're pushing our bodies too far but the finisher's medal looks awesome and understand that the only medal I received is one  from school. Just one. It was for being first in class and my mom lost it somehow, misplaced it? I don't know. 

It's a bit shallow, I know. But dude, it's an awesome medal! Haha!

Aaand, I was thinking of expanding my routes in running so I'm calling it the Catch Me If You Can series. Haha! 

Gotta get myself out of that depressing hole and start working towards a more positive note! This was a good day to begin with! Good morning!

Mango smoothie anyone?

Over a month ago, I challenged my best friend to a 22k run. She took it.

Today, we accomplished the 22k run from TNF 100. It wasn't easy. I got left behind and saw her later on in the finish line. Surprised myself there and while pushing myself to get it done before the cut-off time, I don't know what I put in my head to make me believe I can still push it.

I know it sounds like I'm whining. It's just 22k, there were runners who took 50k and 100k. A 100k finisher ran the 22k with us again. That's hardcore. But thing is, everyone has their own challenges. This was mine.

It was awesome! I finished it! Then it hits you! It didn't feel as rewarding as I imagined it. I didn't have family or friends to see me at the finish line. After I crossed the line, then what. The hype went down and I found myself feeling depressed. It's sad, I know.

What am I going through? :))

I think I'm going crazy.

Pics, or it didn't happen.

I got the chance to catch up with a friend who I haven't seen in 3 or 4 years. The circumstances of our friendship revolved around alcohol, band gigs, nicotine and a lot of staying out late so, he's not someone I would recall as a GOOD friend. 

I congratulated him on his recent switch to a more active lifestyle. He's running now and yes, I've seen it on his Facebook. He'd post a photocollage of his shoes, the map and the distance he finished that day. It's great! I'm so happy for him! I mean, who wouldn't wish the people around them live longer, right?

But apparently, he doesn't feel the same way about me. Since we're talking about active lifestyle, I tell him I'm running too. Just recently but yeah! I'm running too. I go with my best friend. In fact, we're on a suicide mission and registered 22k in The NorthFace Run. Isn't it crazy?

But you know what I got? A doubtful "You joined a marathon?" "You run?"

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't post photos of my shoes so it means I don't run? 

It annoys me that people judge you now based on what you post on Facebook. If you didn't post photos of your vacation abroad, it's like you never even went there. Just because I don't take a photo of the food I eat, it doesn't mean I don't partner my running with a healthy diet. And I've been so tempted to post a photo of my running shoes on Facebook just to show you I run but that doesn't make sense now, does it?

I just find everything on Facebook so pretentious. 

Should I start taking half naked photos of my body to show everyone how I progressed from 170lbs to 130lbs? 

It could inspire people? Who am I kidding? It's just going to inflate my ego with all the likes and the wows from friends I barely know. 

So, here's a photo of my running shoes on gravel. Just because.

What's going on?

The need to look good while running just went a notch higher.

Running, just when me and Chi were talking about being able to greet someone good morning without losing our rhythm, I meet someone from the past. Let's name him Fortune Cookie and stop there. We never met him again in the same route and I think that's fine. 

Last week while trying an uphill route, a guy riding a bike passes us by and says my name. Surprise! I had to catch my breath to say "Hey! Good morning!" I wanted it to sound as effortless as I could but I failed. It was an uphill route, what did he expect. 

Instead of turning around, we pushed the uphill road anyway. I swear, if I see any of those shitheads from my past, I swear I'll flip. (Forgive the language, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, I love these men, don't get me wrong.) I just find it irritating that they see me at a very unattractive state. I was hoping they could see me when I'm looking hot and poised. 

This isn't what I hoped for. But it was funny. It still is.