A Prayer: Stay

Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on...

I had a perfect picture of myself at the age 26. In my heart, I knew what I should have had and where I should have been. 

But there are things that are out of my hands. It's like losing complete control of a car's steering wheel. The only decision I was left with was to avoid full impact collision and total destruction. Instead of being in complete control, I was struggling to keep myself as close as possible to the road. It wasn't what I imagined. It wasn't what I planned. 

And despite all the idiocies that rooted from failed relationships, one thing I never lost was the hope of one day having a fulfilling true love. Not familial love. I've had that all my life that it seems a constant I didn't have to worry about. It's not the perfect mentality but it's my mentality. I won't make up any excuse to explain myself. It's just THAT. 

There are beautiful memories that turn bitter in a matter of time. I plant grudges. I don't necessarily nurture them, but yes, I do plant them. Some die eventually in a forgiving environment but some survive. Some survive and become nasty voices in  my head.

One of the most dangerous things you can do to me when I'm angry or sad is to leave me alone with myself. I have to admit, my mind is not the best place to leave me alone with. Years of battling forgiveness disappear, pain and anger flare up easily that it would feel like a fresh wound. 

But I've learned. I've grown. I've matured. At least that's how I think of myself. I'm more willing to turn around and walk away without putting up a fight. Keeping still was never my best suit, neither was patience. I always prided myself of things I accomplished. I always took care of things that were given to me and I make it a point to try to be grateful all the time. 

One day when I read back, this post would remind me of outdoor inspirations, letters of love, pieces of mementos and very painful memories. Today I make a decision: I don't have to live this way. 

Friends and family always tell me I deserve better. I never believed this. Not as it is. What I knew was that I don't deserve anything I didn't work hard for. For this matter, I worked so hard for this. This was my wake up call that relationships really do need a lot of work. It's time to split the blame for things we can not change. 

Pictures, letters and memories.. a roller coaster ride all down to one box. 

Let's find what it means to be the one who changed her mind and changed her world. 

GTKY

Ever since quitting the office job and focusing on my online work, I've been able to spend a lot of time with my little boy. I'm not completely sure it's a good thing because he gets really nervous when he doesn't see me or hear me. However, he has become very sweet and he gained weight because I make it a point to always feed him on time. 

When I was working in the office, if he wasn't in the mood to eat, he would just run off from whoever is watching him. Now, however, he really has to eat because I chase him around with his food. 

I somehow miss being outside but now that I think about it, I actually spent more going to work at the office. Also, I get to do random things whenever I want to. For example, this day was a random pizza day for both of us. We took a bath, got dressed and headed for the pizza place near the Post Office. It rained afterwards but it was okay. He was pretty excited to get out of the house. Sometimes, it becomes my problem of how to get him home.

Mainly because I had tons of mangoes and cucumbers. I had to get creative. I don't actually know what to call these. I cooked egg and added it in the roll up. 

The bowl of lettuce is my version of kanu salad. Sure it's not the real thing but I needed to use all the lettuce I stored. 

Eat!

Hoard for a Good Start

I'd like to begin June with a hopeful goal of living healthy. So, to hoard for the first week of June, I feel so happy looking at these beauties. 

That's 2 kilos bananas, 2 kls. mangoes, 2 kls. cantaloupes, 1 kl. lettuce, 1 kl. grapes, 1 kl. pears, 2 kls. apples and 2 kls. cucumbers. 

Whew! I know it seems a lot but my little dragon loves fruits. He can finish 5 bananas in one seating or two mangoes. He likes to munch on pears for snack, sometimes, apples. Also, he loves grapes. So, you can expect all of these to be gone in a week or so. 

I'm not so sure yet how I intend to finish all the lettuce and cucumbers in time before it spoils but I got pretty excited and I admit, it's a bit too much. I gotta be creative. If anyone's got suggestions, feel free. There were tomatoes too, it's just not in the photo. 

Anyway, let's see how June would be like for me. It's about time to detox. I need some good tasting tea, anyone got ideas? I'm looking for something that doesn't taste like soil or literally dried leaves. I know that's what tea is made of but just in case there are some good tasting tea out there, now's the time to suggest. I don't want to waste my detox program by adding tons of sugar just to mask the bitter taste of dried leaves. 

June, please be good to me. :)

My First Sunrise in 2015

So, when was the last time you saw the sun rise?

It's been quite some time since I last saw something beautiful. I went through the pains of waking up at 3:30 AM to run up the mountain to see this. It's been a while. This is my first sunrise this year. 

It took a lot from me to get my ass up and start running but that day was supposed to be special. It was a first year anniversary. It was a celebration of being together. Sadly, however, I celebrated alone. 

The sky was beautiful. But it was a sad kind of beautiful. I used to long for someone to watch the sun rise and set with me. But, I guess it's hard to find the beauty in something you're not really interested in. 

That day was like a slap in the face. I thought it was a metaphor of my actual situation: a one-sided relationship. It was amusing for a while, then it turned ugly after waiting for two hours.

Happy Anniversary to me! It's nice to know how my other half opted to spend a first year anniversary. It gave me a fast-forward look on how all our future anniversaries will be spent: separated.

But, because I'm a hopeless romantic, I actually prepared two cups of coffee. I handed it to a photographer who was late for the sunrise. 7/11 coffee wasn't the best coffee but that was all there was. The coffee wouldn't have mattered if there was good company. 

That day though, I fixated on how cheap and disgusting 7/11 coffee was. I mean, what else could I have done? 

So, how about you, when did you last see the sun rise?

Emotional Breakdown: Meh

When someone important doesn't cancel his meeting to cater to your tantrum and emotional break down. I can just imagine how Dee Dee must have felt. 

Vertical Garden Ideas for Small Spaces

This post is specifically for one of my Korean students. I work as an English teacher for a phone class company and to be honest, it's a little hard to feel like you've achieved something or taught something to someone when the time is really short. I feel inadequate at times. Like I want to say more and explain further but the time limit is a total deal-breaker. 

Anyway, one of my students, Hyo Seon, is among my favorite. She's expressive and very thoughtful. From the conversations we've had, I can get the impression that she's a good person. Hesitant, most of the time and very bashful. So, hopefully, she sees this. 

I suggested she can try gardening in their apartment but as I am not equipped to judge how apartments look like in Korea, I'm not sure if it's feasible. I might probably be suggesting something to her that I really like to do, but never found the will to start.

Those who can't do, teach. What a saying for someone who's got a lot of plans that never materialize. Bah. Anyway, I hope she sees it. If I ever get my own apartment, I'll make sure to make all my dream projects come to reality. 

Dragging Myself, It's Just Tuesday

Wish I had more running clothes. It can get pretty boring when I open my closet and find I have to wear the same thing I wore a couple of days ago. I feel like I'm going wash and wear more often than I'd like to. It's a Tuesday and I'm already feeling dragged my this lack of fashionable running attire. 

Looking forward to new running shoes.. Which might be a long time from now. LOL. Damn it, I also need more sports bras. And I'd buy more if only they weren't so damn expensive. Rawrr.. Tuesday blues. 

Joe and April's Wedding

I lived with an uncle during my last year in high school. I didn't really know during that time why I was sent to the province. I'm not a very difficult child. In fact, when I look back, I was pretty mild compared to my siblings. I mean, sure. I answer back and I felt I was right all the time. Well, add to that the fact that I felt I was being treated unfairly. Bahh. Looking back, I'm pretty sure there's something wrong.

Anyway, living with a second family, this is my second father. I didn't see him as a friend that time. I think I was hostile towards every adult. But I learned a lot from my uncle. His disciplinary measures were good. If we wanted to go out, there would always be a condition. And, he would ask us what time we can commit to be home. If we didn't keep it, we weren't allowed to go out the next time. He was fair. It wasn't NO all the time. He would give options. And that's what I love about him. Anyway, here he is. Sleeping at the terrace a couple of hours before his son's wedding.

This here with me is my favorite cousin. Well, my second favorite. We make really bad decisions and despite not growing up together, we cover for each other's asses a lot. 

I think red's a good color for me. I feel pretty in it. I feel powerful too.


I'd say more about the wedding but I never was an attentive person in a wedding.

Two Sunrises, Two Sunsets

Less than a year ago I wrote someone "two sunrises, two sunsets. Take an adventure with me this month"

It never really happened. We had one sunrise together. Not really, we saw one while inside a moving van.

Now, I'm pretty tired of waiting for those sunsets and sunrises. I'll have it alone. I'll watch them alone. I'll sit somewhere and wait for the sun to set. I'll run in the morning to watch the sun rise. I've been waiting for him. But I'm pretty tired.

I don't want to wait for someone anymore. I don't need anyone to make my life better.

Babe, you got this.

I've been feeling pretty down lately. It's like everything is just catching up on me and I can't juggle my responsibilities anymore. When I try to look for support or for some sort of comfort, the people I expected to be there for me turn out to cause me more misery. I feel so miserable. Day by day, I wake up hoping things might get better, but it doesn't.

I try to stay positive and I try to keep up but it's just not working. I've lost interest in working because I know all the money will go to someone else anyway. I find it hard to understand why I'm paying rent in my family's house. I'd feel so much better paying rent to a stranger. So, basically, I'm not sure if my family wants to help me out or wants to bury me deeper into more debt. 

When I turn to the person I thought I can talk to, he's not available. Like I'm some inconvenience he can't find time for. As if his schedule was that of a CEO that he can't find time to remember me. 

It's frustrating what I got myself into. If I remember correctly, I stood up for him that's why I'm in this rut in the first place. A decision I made a year ago, fuck. Me and my stupidity. 

But you know what, I got this. Hell, it would have been awesome to hear it from someone else. But, screw everything else. I got this. 

And right now, I can't help myself thinking, 'if you weren't around during my down times, you don't deserve to be part of my high times'.

Babe, you got this.

No Excuses

I love Pinterest and Tumblr and I follow a lot of health and fitness blogs. So, as expected, I see a lot of posts and photos of healthy diet plans, exercise plans and yehp, sexy bodies. I'm not talking about porno-sexy kind of bodies. I'm talking about healthy, fit, lean bodies of women who take the time to eat right and exercise regularly. Aaaanndd, more often than not, it leaves me feeling really bad about myself. It leaves me feeling depressed. 

To be honest, I can't count how many times I've attempted to start eating clean and working out. I'd be successful for a week or two, then something just comes up and ruins my progress and I feel so hopeless because I have to go back to square one. So, instead of doing so, I actually quit it and go back to old habits. Not the best idea but I can't really reason with myself sometimes. 

I'm unreasonable most of the time. So, as part of my most recent attempt, I found time to run during my break at work. It helped a lot especially in curbing my appetite. Boredom is one of my biggest enemy when it comes to food. I eat when I'm bored. The running helped stop that. Soooo, due to my vanity which I don't really want to post in Facebook. Allow me to post it here!

 These photos are before and after pictures. I'd take a photo after a run and then take another one an hour after changing and freshening up. 

 I don't really care if I smell like sweat. My work environment gives me the freedom to actually go to work in my jammies. Sooo, yeah. 

 I can be pretty vain sometimes. And sooo, I actually have more but yeah. 

Like, things were going okay until this happened: 

So, yeah. Back to square one. Though I think I'm a lot better compared to the previous attempts. I know I can get back on track easily. Also, I've learned to run alone. I used to run with my bestfriend but she's out of the country right now.